Kathy! Like your PJs. Give your Uncle a kiss like, ya wee scamp. You ready? Then I’ll begin.

No sae lang ago…like, just ootside a toun no sae far fae here, used tae be a sanctuary fir animals – Kiltarlin’ Wildlife Pairk. It wisnae a zoo like, nae exotic creatures tae speak of apart fae the llamas. Pure barry wi them lang necks. Fuckin bangin tae look at. Dinnae get too close though like! They spit like (spit sound) right in yer peepers. Ye’ve goat tae be careful Kath. They’re nae like us. Ye canny trust em.

Here Kathy, sorry, don’t greet like, ah’ve no told ye about the folk at warkd there. They were guid folk Kathy, they cared fae the animals. Treated em better than some humans get treatit by ithers. Llamas were on their best behaviour maist ae the time. So turn that frown, upside down hen.

Well, one day things were aboot windin’ doun, visitors had aw left, aw the kack was mucked oot n aw the keepers are aboot tae gang hame, when a pirple car pulls up wi’ a great big horse trailer on the back. The car stopped n a wee man ae Asian origin pops oot, begins unhookin this hing in the cair pairk. He looks terrified – you know the expression seen a ghost?

Huv you seen wan Kath? You’ve gone pal hen.

Aw the keepers came oot, puir polite, asked yir man whit he was dayin.

My name’s Faridoon, he says. Uh’ve been roond the hail country trynae find somewan wud relieve this burden. Said there wiss an animal in the trailer but nae place wud tak it. Said yis are the last I’ve tried and yez seem like the best. I trust yeez, Faridoon says, tae dae the right thing here.

He drives off, never…naw, drives back, unloads five full sides ae ham. Says ‘Should keep yir man knocked oot fir lang enough till yez figure out where tae keep him.’ Faridoon drives off, never to be seen again.

Wull, the folk at the pairk were curious, so they undid the lock at the back and busted they horsetrailer doors wide, but nothing couldae prepared them fir whit they saw. Nae fuckin Tabby. It wiss a tiger Kath. A sleepin tiger but as soon as they opened that door guess what. His eyes slowly opened too.

Fir 5 fill days n 5 fill nights they wark tirelessly building this enclosure, sleepin’ in shifts, feedin’ the tiger drugged ham when he shows signs ae stirrin’. When the wark’s done they shiftit the ‘hing intee a cage, pure heavy it wuz and most ae the keepers pure shitin’ themselves in case it chooses that moment tae wake.

Aye so eventually the tiger comes to, sees its inside the cage, and starts roarin’, most terrifyin’ noise yes kid imagine. They distractit him and threw in massive hunks ae meat tae pacify. Word gets out, n everywin came fae even hunners o miles around tae see the great beast o Kiltarlin’, roarin’ and prowlin’ an lookin’ weird an out ae place, cos Kiltarlin or Scotland or even fuckin Europe’s no right fir tigers.

Wull, wan day the keepers arrived, the morning hud ae sky o fuckin bright pink wi’ aw clouds offset like the scene ae some great battle. Like a painting it wuss. They hud preparet tae spend the morning lookin n takin pictures but as soon as they got oot the cairs, all they saw wiss death. The llamas hud hud their lang necks broken n’ chewed; one wiss disembowellt wi’ aw guts n’ gore hingin’ oot. Ither animals hud been chewed, huge bite mairks, severed airms n feet n face n blood blood blood blood fuckin everywhere, ‘n under that pink sky the the keepers greetit, then shakin’ wi fear they checkt the tiger enclosure ‘n it wiss jist metal chewed open, layers ‘n layers ae chewed metal. The beast was naewhere tae be seen.

That night, the first child went missin’.

Shite. Douglas! Kathy’s fuckin cryin again. Wiss jist a story like. Fuck’s sake.